Fans of Brit flicks are likely familiar with the savagely funny cantina scene in the 2015 Simon Pegg and Lake Bell rom-com Man Up in which Bell’s character, Nancy, on a star-crossed blind date with Jack (Pegg), describes how couples inevitably seem to slip from the sexually supercharged rating of first lust into the doldrums of barely doing it. (“Six months in, the ladies, we drop it down to an 18 and then a 15, maybe a quick 69 — but only if we’ve just had a bath — and then suddenly, whoa! We’re a PG-13 wearing tartan pajamas to bed doing the goodnight rollover before you can say missionary position.”) However, the good news, according to sex and relationship expert Kim Anami, is that not only is it possible for couples to happily reside in pornoland for the duration, but with effort, they can actually up their bedroom rating to XXX.
How? By prioritizing their sex lives and making a firm resolution to maintain a regular schedule of intimacy — no ifs, ands, or buts.
Make Intimacy the Top Priority: No Excuses
Life is busy. Whatever your day looks like — work, school, commute, kids, cooking, chores, paying the bills — sometimes it feels as if there just aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything done. Be that as it may, Kim Anami believes couples can have healthy, active sex lives. But in order to do so, they must learn to prioritize.
“My assertion is that all couples can make the time to have sex,” she asserted. “I have clients who have six children, they both have high-powered jobs and they’re having sex every single day because they make it a commitment and a priority in their lives.
“For people who feel like the day runs away with them or they get to the end of the night and they feel too tired [to have sex], I get that,” she continued. “So, my answer is, morning sex: Set your alarm 30 minutes, 45 minutes earlier and connect with each other before your kids get up and you can start your day off with a bang.”
For Long-Term Intimacy, Start With the Three-Hour Rule
Anami says that couples should have sex a minimum of three times a week and strongly recommends that one of those sessions be of extended duration. “I suggest couples have a three-hour sex date,” she stated firmly. “That’s a weekly commitment set in stone, nonnegotiable, where they set aside that time. It’s not dinner, it’s not a movie, it’s not a walk in the park. It’s being intimate with each other.”
While “intimate” doesn’t necessarily have to mean intercourse, intercourse can certainly come into play. “It can be massage, manual play, oral play, or intercourse,” Anami clarified.
Initially, noted Anami, when she gives couples the three-hour assignment, their first reaction is often incredulity. “‘How are we going to have three hours of sex?’ [they ask.]” Anami stated that — in the beginning at least — what they undertake doesn’t have to be three hours of intercourse; they can incorporate those other things as well. It’s part of a building process. Anami stresses that for the strategy to work, couples must follow through. “This is an experience that changes your entire life and becomes the foundation of your intimate relationship,” said Anami.
“Then, as they get into these rhythms and practices, three hours goes by in the blink of an eye. [Eventually], they can have intercourse four hours at a time. They can be making love way beyond the three hours — all night long — [and then] get up in the morning, and they are so rejuvenated and energized from their sexual exchange that they leap out into the world with more confidence, more verve, more vitality than ever — even though they’ve barely slept … they’ve been recharging with each other in their sexual arena.”
While some people rely on orgasms as a soporific, for Kim Anami the opposite holds true. Rather than making couples sleepy, the best kind of sex should leave them feeling totally energized. If you’re having sex the way Anami teaches people to have sex, she says rather than feeling as if they need to pass out or take a postcoital nap, couples will feel ready to go to the gym or maybe even run a marathon, they’re so full of energy after sex. “I always say, I don’t do coffee, I do orgasms because you will harvest all of this high potent energy from your sex life,” she explained.
How the Three-Hour Rule Came About and Why It Matters
The original idea for the three-hour sex date came to Anami by way of personal experience. Years back, Anami had a partner who was a corporate lawyer. Her lover worked a lot of hours and was perpetually busy. To accommodate that lifestyle, he had to put a very detailed schedule into place and stick to it conscientiously.
“Every Thursday afternoon, he would block out time for a very long sex date,” Anami remembered. “Every Thursday afternoon there was a … time blocked out where he was never, ever available — and this was just accepted. Of course, I blocked out that time as well. He would come over and we would have our three-hour sex date.”
Anami revealed the anticipation both felt only added to the intensity of their eventual release. “It got to this place where we would both be anticipating the sex date. There would be this incredible buildup, this flirtation, this ‘What are we going to do? What are we going to explore this time?’ Sometimes we had designated things on the menu and other times, it was a total free-flow of how we both felt, and we always looked forward to it.”
So why do you need three whole hours? Because, Anami explained, “You need enough time to be able to go deep, to break open, to experience the most intensely mind-obliterating orgasms, and to have no pressure and no rush.” When couples are having catch-as-catch-can sex in between other things, they might be thinking about possible interruptions or their minds will stray.
But if you actually bookmark time to go slowly, explore, and open yourselves up to real communication, you’ll be able to achieve the most potent sexual enlightenment possible and make the kind of meaningful relationship breakthroughs that will keep you and your lover in pornoland for years to come. “You have the time,” Anami insisted. “It’s all about prioritizing and making your intimate relationship your highest priority and not the last thing [on your to-do] list.”