In 2014, Gwyneth Paltrow forever changed the way couples define splitting when she announced her separation from then-husband Chris Martin as a “conscious uncoupling.” Holistic sex coach Kim Anami shares similar sentiments on disconnecting with intention. While she doesn’t deny breaking up is hard to do, Anami views it as an opportunity to reflect, grow, and break through.
Anami is the expert thousands of men and women have turned to for relationship advice. Whenever she’s navigated the end of a relationship, she says she used that time productively — and there’s no better moment to work on yourself. It’s also one of the reasons she offers the Breakup Cleanse on kimanami.com. The 30-day journey combines herbal medicines, crystal elixirs, and email inspirations and assignments to heal and joyfully move forward.
“I have never really been a fast-rebound kind of person because I like to take my time and take stock,” Kim Anami said during an episode of her sex and relationship podcast “Organic Enlightenment.” “I want to know what happened and really understand it so I don’t have to repeat the same mistakes again.”
She adds that she can look back on any relationship and see where she wasn’t honest enough, didn’t set a strong enough boundary, or needed to walk away sooner. Anami admits she tends to stay fairly celibate post-breakup. She won’t go out of her way to look for love, but she doesn’t entirely avoid it either. “Unless it’s a total yes, I let it fade away and stay focused on me,” she added.
When both partners decide to end their relationship, Anami says it can be “an utterly beautiful and enlightening experience,” but it’s a rare one. She says typically, one partner is left to consciously choose to sever the ties on their own.
Here are Kim Anami’s four stages for strategizing a conscious breakup.
Stage 1: Active Grieving
“Learning to grieve well was one of the most significant tools I picked up on my personal growth journey,” Anami shared. “We live in a society of distractions, denial, and avoidance and most people are doing their very best to avoid pain through television, food, alcohol, drugs, and addictive thought patterns. They are perpetually trying to avoid the deep stuff in their lives.”
She further explained how society celebrates the “party hard, forget about tomorrow” narrative as a lifestyle and doesn’t address the dangers of disassociating from the present moment.
“All of my work is about confronting the deepest issues head-on,” she said.
Anami stated the only way to heal is to face the music and confront your most profound issues head-on instead of slapping Band-Aids of avoidance on the matter.
“Encourage and welcome crying and sadness and even some degree of immobilization to the extent that we can fit it into our lives,” she advised. “Commit to allowing yourself to be in a raw, open, and broken state. Then do whatever helps you to bring out those feelings. That might mean watching a sad movie that makes you cry or listening to a sad song.”
The relationship adviser continued, saying that once you can watch the movie or listen to the song without shedding tears, that’s when you know you’ve finished the active grieving stage.
Stage 2: Identify Your Patterns
Anami described this period after a breakup as “a time to self-assess” and take total responsibility for how you might have contributed to your relationship’s demise. “Was I not truthful enough? Did I hide behind half-truths? Did I not fully communicate my needs or my love?” Anami asked. “Did I not set strong enough boundaries around things I wouldn’t accept? Did I hold back my love? Get to work and write all of these things down.”
She said journaling these thoughts helps uncover where your blind spots are. “You may want to enlist the help of a coach or a counselor to help you with this,” she suggested. “Then get clear on what you could’ve done instead.”
However, Anami was quick to point out that this exercise isn’t about dwelling in blame and self-flagellation. Instead, it’s about making the unconscious conscious to obliterate the patterns replayed in relationships. “If you created these defense mechanisms to protect yourself, are you now ready to release them?” she pondered.
Stage 3: Get Into Truer Alignment With Who You Really Are
Your vibe attracts your tribe. “Whatever level you’re vibrating at is the level of person you will attract,” Kim Anami revealed. “Level up your own vibration to get to the next level in a partner.”
While the sex expert said she often hears men and women complaining about how they can’t meet the right people, she noted self-accountability must be considered. “Like attracts like,” she pointed out. “Are you working at a job that you hate that’s really about paying the bills but it’s not an expression of your gifts? If so, you are out of alignment. The more areas of your life you have that are out of alignment, the more you’re going to attract someone who is too.”
Stage 4: Scheduling Happiness and Attracting the New
“What brings you joy?” Anami queried. “What are some secret dreams you have forgotten about?”
Anami says get “bucket list-y” and schedule that dream vacation you’ve been putting off. “Engage in what makes you feel most excited and alive,” she said.
Self-pleasure and cultivating your sexual energy are also an essential piece of the attraction puzzle according to the relationship specialist.
“I am always talking about how your sexual energy is your life force energy,” she commented. “This is the energy that creates new life. It is massively helpful to transition you out of a breakup and into a breakthrough. You can harvest your sexual energy as a creative force in your life through my meditate, masturbate, create technique.”
Anami confesses she came up with her “meditate, masturbate, create” concept during a tough breakup. “Your sexual energy is a catalyst for change and growth,” she emphasized. “Use your breakup as an impetus and inspiration. When your heart is cracked up, you’re more pliable to change, so use this time productively and wisely.”